NHL Playoff Prediction

Yes, I'm aware that the games already started, but never mind that, I need to get these out of the way. I'm an honest guy, you can trust in the fact that I picked these before everything started today.

Round One:

Eastern Conference

Boston Bruins (1) v. Montreal Canadiens (8)
I'm a bit nervous calling any game involving the Bruins. It's not that I'm particularly superstitious, it's just that I don't want to be blamed for any misfortunes by everyone I know and love. So, with reckless abandon, I'll begin.

Tanguay - Koivu - Kovalev
Kostitsyn - Plekanec - Kostitsyn
Kostopolous - Lapierre - Latendresse
Higgins - Metropolit - Dandenault

O'Byrne - Komisarek
Hamrlik - Brisebois
Schneider - Gorges

Price
Halak

Does that scare you? It doesn't really scare me. Yes, I'm aware there's history involved. Let's get serious though. History means jack shit. The Canadiens have had the Bruins' number in decades past, but that's not applicable because almost anyone wearing Bleu Blanc and Rouge that used to rape the Bruins a few decades ago has nothing to do with the team now. Sorry, but the Bruins have dominated both the NHL and the Canadiens all season and will continue to do so.

Bruins in 5.

Washington Capitals (2) v. New York Rangers (7)
I had to put some serious thought into this one, but here it is. Even though the Capitals arguably have the best forwards in the NHL, I think the Rangers have what it takes to take this series. It all comes down to goaltending. The Rangers, with King Henrik, are an unbelievably dangerous team. They can flat out steal a series by simply riding on the broad shoulders of one of the NHL's elite goaltenders. What does Washington have to offer? Not a whole lot. I still contend that letting Cristobal Huet walk was one of the most embarassing moves by a front office in hockey that I've seen post-lockout. Their answer to that deficiency? Not good enough. This will be a tight one, but Jose Threeorfour is going to blow this series and Bruce Boudreau will be standing outside Cristobal Huet's apartment with a boombox and a Peter Gabriel cassette tape.

Rangers in 7.

New Jersey Devils (3) v. Carolina Hurricanes (6)
Here's another one, and I know I'm going to sound like I'm contradicting my last point, but I don't think Marty Brodeur is enough to overcome this team. Carolina is a team with explosive energy, and even though New Jersey has established themselves as the premier or near the premier defensive team in the NHL, I don't see them overcoming a team that's absolutely barnstormed their way into the playoffs. The concern here for the Canes is Cam Ward, who made 28 straight starts and was the integral piece of their playoff push. He's young so I suppose he can handle some of it, but he's going to run out of gas and soon.

Hurricanes in 6.


Pittsburgh Penguins (4) v. Philadelphia Flyers (5)
This, to me, isn't even close. Yes, the Penguins have been languishing in the basement for the bulk of the 08-09 season. Yes, the Flyers are an explosive offensive team. That being said, the Penguins have far more in their favor. They've got two of the best three players in the NHL in Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin. If either one of those guys catches fire, it's lights out for Philadelphia. This is coupled with the fact that although he hasn't quite been a stud, Marc-Andre Fleury is still a viable option in net. Marty Biron and Antero Bustyourpantski would both make great backups, but nothing more. Pens are ripping through this series like Rich Tocchet at a coke and poker party.

Penguins in 4.


Western Conference

San Jose Sharks (1) v. Anaheim Ducks (8)
I have a good time making fun of the Sharks. They fold like a lawn chair in the playoffs despite the best of intentions, and it's hysterical to me. These ain't the Sharks of years past. This is an absolute juggernaught of a team, not to mention I think the new coach will go a long way in stabilizing their collective insanity in these upcoming games. The Ducks are experienced, I have no doubt about that. Pronger and Niedermayer are a force to be reckoned with, but Gigurere has been replaced by a relative unknown and I don't think they have all the pieces together like they have before. Sharks are gonna roll right through this one.

Sharks in 4.

Detroit Red Wings (2) v. Columbus Blue Jackets (7)
I love the Jackets, I really do. It's a great story, but let's cut to the chase. The Red Wings, despite goaltending issues, are stunningly good. Rookie Steve Mason is an incredibly talented individual, but look at this power play unit.

Zetterberg - Datsyuk - Hossa
Rafalski - Lidstrom

There are teams that can overcome that sort of overwhelming level of talent, the Columbus Blue Jackets are not one of them.

Red Wings in 4.

Vancouver Canucks (3) v. St. Louis Blues (6)
Like the Jackets, the Blues are a great story. Believe it or not, they were statistically the NHL's best team in the 2nd half of the season. So, I'd love them to win. Keith Tkachuk is a class guy and it'd be great to see him win a cup. I just don't see it being feasible. The Nucks dont have much up front, but they have Roberto Luongo, and that's insurmountable for St. Louis. They'll put up a fight, but they simply can't contend in this sort of series, and they'll continue to be the perrennial "almost" team.

Canucks in 6.

Chicago Blackhawks (4) v. Calgary Flames (5)
This one could be a real thriller. On the side of the Hawks you've got budding superstars in Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews. With the Flames, you've got hockey's everyman, Jarome Iginla, and they've got who I have to assume is some sort of farm animal in Dion Phaneuf. These teams balance out VERY well, and I expect a high-scoring, exciting affair. What decides this is (what a surprise) goaltending. The Hawks have failed to prove to me that they can hang with the big guys with Khabibulin in net. Kippur's been ridden hard all season, but he's got enough left in the tank to be the deciding factor in this series. Mark my words, this may be the most exciting set of games in the playoffs.

Flames in 7.


Round Two:

Eastern Conference:

Boston Bruins (1) v. New York Rangers (7)
As you might be able to surmise from what I wrote before, Henrik Lundqvist scares the shit out of me. He's an absolute stud that's capable of stealing a series away from anyone. Despite this level of skill, the Bruins have been able to find ways to get through him this season, and their staunch defensive style is enough to contain what's left of their offense. The key to this game for the Bruins is going to lie in the ability to score even-strength goals. Their physicality, and ability to roll 3 lines will keep the Rangers tired and will play an important supplemental role. It'll be a tough one, but the end result is something I'm happy with.

Bruins in 6.

Pittsburgh Penguins (4) v. Carolina Hurricanes (6)
Remember how I said Cam Ward was going to run out of gas? This is where I'm counting on it. 28 straight starts to end the season + 6 tense, exhausting starts in the playoffs. Thats 34 straight starts for a goalie who's proven his mettle, but let's be honest. He's only human. The Penguins have been there and their skill will carry them to the Conference Finals, which, at the beginning of the season, seemed impossible.

Penguins in 5.


Western Conference:

San Jose Sharks (1) v. Calgary Flames (5)
I love the Flames, I really do. Jarome Iginla is a class act, and Dion Phaneuf picks his dates out of moving cars and climbs up the side of the Empire State Building with them. (These monster jokes doing anything for you? We should hang out more.) The Sharks are still the juggernaught in this conference. They've got balanced lines, competent defense, and a damn good goaltender in Evgeni Nabokov. The level of fight and talent in that team is too much for the Flames.

Sharks in 5.

Detroit Red Wings (2) v. Vancouver Canucks (3)
I'd be hard pressed to name 2 lines for the Vancouver Canucks. They've got the Sedins, who I suppose are nothing to scoff at. They've got Mats Sundin who has to clean up the dust in his pants after he farts. The Wings have to be worried about who they've got in net, but the 'Nucks don't have enough to make them sweat. The strength of this team is in Roberto Luongo. If Roberto Luongo were enough to stop the freak of nature that is the Detroit Red Wings offense, they could pull this one off, but if my Aunt had a dick, she'd be my Uncle. It's just not happening.

Wings in 5.

Round Three:

Boston Bruins (1) v. Pittsburgh Penguins (4)
I really didn't want this to happen. The Penguins are a dangerous team, mostly due to Malkin and Crosby, by some divine intervention, being on the same fucking team. By the 3rd round, they're going to be absolutely amped up and difficult to beat. On the other end, the Bruins are a calm, composed team that have shown throughout the regular season that they can handle high-pressure, intense situations. This will be no different. Make no mistake, the Penguins will put up a fight, but the Bruins will ultimately squeak through this one in their typical gritty fashion.

Bruins in 7.

San Jose Sharks (1) v. Detroit Red Wings (2)
Remember how I said the Chicago/Calgary series was going to be the most exciting of the playoffs? I may have to take that back. A series like this is liable to rip a hole in the universe and suck hockey fans through it. You're looking at 2 of the 3 best teams in the NHL slugging it out here. This will be a Chris Osgood v. Evgeni Nabokov waffle fight away from being a memorable classic. In a remarkable reversal of me harping on goaltending for this entire post though, I'm going to have to give it to the Red Wings in a thriller. In a series where both teams are so even, I have to give it to the team that's been there before.

Red Wings in 7.

Stanley Cup Championship

Boston Bruins v. Detroit Red Wings
So this is it. To echo what I said in the very 1st part of this whole diatribe, I hate making predictions about the Bruins. If this doesn't work out, I'm going to fear retribution from everyone around me. This is a really interesting final. The Red Wings are intimidating on offense, their forwards are top notch and with Lidstrom and Rafalski on the blue line, it only gets scarier. They've got a good deal of depth, too. It's difficult, apart from their revolving door at goaltender, to find a weakness in this team. This also goes without mentioning that the Red Wings managed to be the only team in the NHL to score more goals than the Bruins (289 vs. The Bruins' 270.)

So, without further ado, I'll begin sounding like a big homer. The Bruins have the ability to roll 3 dangerous lines, and perhaps the best 4th line in the NHL. They've got strong, stingy defensemen that are capable of adding to the offense (even without Andrew Ference.) Most importantly, they've got a Vezina Trophy candidate and working-class hero in Tim Thomas. The Red Wings are an extremely difficult opponent to deal with, but not an insurmountable one. In unbelievably exciting and nail-biting fashion, the Boston Bruins will bring the Stanley Cup back to the hub for the first time since 1972, and I will be witness to grown men crying.

Bruins in 7. Thank you god.