2009 Prediction by Sheehan

Okay, so I've made a list of things that will happen in the year 2009. Some are just there because of hilarity, some are there because they will indeed happen. I'll let you decide which is which.

1. Barack Obama will be criticized by black people all over the nation when they find out he has no intentions of putting rims on the new Presidential vehicle.
2. The Celtics will win another NBA Championship against the Los Angeles Lakers, prompting Bob Ryan and Dan Shaughnessy to take witchcraft lessons to see if they can put some sort of spell on another Boston team.
3. The Boston Bruins will make the playoffs. The Boston Bruins will also make NESN's list of teams that New Englanders paid attention to more than the Revolution.
4. Blagojovich, however you spell it, will be homeless man of the year, after people realize he sold his house to be the front runner of the Senate seat giveaway.
5. Plaxico Burress will go to jail for 3 years minimum after gun charges filed against him. Marivn Harrison will have 2 years of probation and 1 year of jail time for the shooting outside of his house. Cinco Ocho will pay a heafty fine for copyrighting the name of a meal at Ixtapa Cantina. Thus, Randy Moss will become the nicest shit-talking wide receiver in the NFL.
6. Tiger Woods will return and begin to play golf like the champion he is, but people will start to worry about Phil Mickelson's health since he still isn't winning championships without Tiger there.
7. NASCAR attendance will slide tremendously once everyone below the Mason-Dixon line has lost their house to one of the many bankrupcies.
8. A bank will fail everyday until someone comes up with the name "Piggy Bank" for a company, thus bringing people someplace they can really trust their money.
9. A Lifetime movie will be about the Palins' starring Tina Fey as Sarah, Evan Rachel Wood as Bristol, and Edward Furlong as esteemed redneck boyfriend/hockey washup Levi Johnston. Ratings will sky-rocket.
10. Scientology will continue to be on everyone's mind in 2009 once the real Tom Cruise shows up and kills the fake robot one, saying that he's beein the Andes Mountains for 10 years and hopes to be making good movies once again.
11. John Travolta's life will become more ironic since the song of the movie that made him famous was 'Staying Alive'.
12. NEWS ALERT: Mississippi has the highest teen birth rate and obese rate. MY PREDICTION: Ground zero for the next wave of hurricanes.
13. Apple Stocks will plummet once people start being reasonable and come to the conclusion that they just paid $500 more for something that was $100. Also, Steve Jobs will disappear from the media for about 6-8 months and will return looking like Sith Lord from Star Wars. Justin Long will plead for a real job. The MacWorld presentation will be cut short once all those white people buying Mac's will see that Apple has teamed with MacDonalds to create the new iPod, the 400 lb iFat. Bada bah bah bah, I'm lovin' it.
14. Several more white children will go missing causing Nancy Grace to hire a black and latino correspondent to verify the races of the children.
15. The new Democratically run Senate's first order of business will be to decide if Al Franken or Barney Frank will perform during Bear Week.
16. Halfway into the summer, people will begin to forget about the end of the world in 2012 because the movie 2012 will suck so bad.
17. Nostradamus and the Mayans will be discredited for the remainder of our existence because YOU CAN PREDICT EVERYTHING AND STILL GET SOMETHINGS WRONG!!!!
18. Eric Mangini will become the Browns head coach, making the Lions and Browns the only teams in the NFL not worth holding onto.
19. Miley Cyrus will have the most hilarious sexual scandal when people find her sleeping with the fat kid from Drake and Josh.
20. The Bash Brothers 3.0 will return to Oakland with the signing of Jason Giambi and Matt Holliday. Jason's entry music will be Jambi by Tool, but Matt's will be Holiday by Madonna.
21. (courtesy of James Bucknam) Pacman Jones will join the New England Patriots Defensive Squad, making him the Benedict Arnold character at the American Revolution play at Patriot Place.
22. Anderson Cooper will pull a 'Lara Logan' and have a child with an American soldier in Iraq, making him the second known man to give birth to a child.
23. The Red Sox will win the World Series, and Japan will celebrate by putting the Red Sox B on the national flag.
24. Ann Coulter will enjoy mass popularity when she is filmed at a KKK orgy being depicted as the centerpiece and when people find out she's a man from her new book "Dickless - Confessions of how Liberalism got the best of my former unit".
25. Zdeno Chara, David Ortiz, Rodney Harrison and Kevin Garnett will create the most popular fight club in New England. People will flock to it at first when they see that Heidi Watney barreling over Naoko "Hirohito" Funayama, but then leave instantly when they see Scott Zolak and Greg Dickerson almost kissing eachother.

That's enough for now, I think you must've at least smiled once during that thing.