10 Movies I think no one should ever see....

There are many lists of movies that people have hated. Check Wikipedia, RottenTomatos.com, Metacritic.com, and IMDB for all the lists of notorious movies that were worthless in terms of paying to see a movie. But my list is different. I'm going to make my lists much like 'what kind' of movies not to see, not just mainstream titles.

10. Movies that are from Quentin Tarantino that don't have anyone recognizable in the trailer or a headline actor's name. Recently, QT has tried to make every movie of his into an underground movie. For instance: Many of you may not know that he made a Biker movie that he wanted to be "The Best Biker Movie Of All Time". I know one, maybe two other biker movies, so there isn't a lot of competition. If any of you checkout TheMovie-Box.net, there is a trailer for a movie called "KillShot". KillShot is an Elmore Leonard novel that I have been reading that's supposed to star Mickey Rourke, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Johnny Knoxville, and Diane Lane. So far, its a great book. Guess what, the film was being shot in 2007 and QT, the director and producer, hasn't done shit to it. I'm guessing he's too busy with his awesome movies he's putting out so far.

9. Movies starring Al Pacino, as of recently. Let's face it, the Michael Corleone that we once knew is no longer the actor he used to be. He hasn't made a good movie since 1999, in which there were 2: Any Given Sunday and The Insider. He was in Ocean's 13, but that was successful before he was even cast in that movie. Every movie he's made since then has been a piece of shit and I don't think we'll see the old Al. He is making a movie called Dali and I, in which he plays Salvador Dali. One can only hope who got hold of that piece to direct(its apparently the guy who directed another one of Pacino's greats...."S1mone".

8. Movies with Comic book characters that you didn't know existed. There is this movie coming out, The Watchmen, and it's supposed to be the "best written comic book ever". I have never heard of this as a child, and I will probably never understand the superheroes, nor their powers. The plot is supposed to be set in 1985 where Richard Nixon is President and the Soviet Union still exists. The bad guy is named The Comedian. I don't think this movie will sell to anyone between the ages of 18-30 if they have had sexual encounters with another person. But if they have, they have some explaining to do.

7. Movies starring Stand-up Comedians. Unless your name is Chris Rock, George Carlin, Robin Williams, or Richard Pryor, you don't belong in Comedy movies as a primary character. Dane Cook, Larry the Cable Guy, the other unfunny Blue Collar guy, Tim Allen(post Santa Clause), and many other upcoming stand-up comedians are killing me with their shit movies. I hope Larry the Cable Guy gets caught stealing cable and goes to jail for a long time. Dane Cook, I think, is the most unfunny person ever. Louis CK is much better. They've been D-list forever, and they still somehow get people to watch them. There is a difference in writing jokes on stage and writing jokes for a movie. The movie jokes make sense with the movie. The only really active stand-up comedian is Dane Cook, maybe Martin Lawrence if you count Def Comedy Jam. But I don't think that he can do any good right now. He needs to hide for about 4 years and then re-appear with a new album and he MIGHT, and thats a big might; might be funny.

6. Political Movies that talk about elections and issues more than an actual plot with characters. There have been two pet-peeve movies in recent years. One of them was called Man of The Year, which wasn't too bad. Robin Williams had some good one-liners in there. But there was one recently with Kelsey Grammar and Kevin Costner, where the election came down to one vote and it was Kevin Costner's decision to elect the next President. Not only is the story entirely out of this world, but they made the movie be about how candidates want to get your vote and will do anything for it. It's called Politics and according to one of my favorite deceased writers -"It's the end-all be-all of bloodsports." I don't care that electronic voting will take away my vote- it doesn't count in the first place. Sure, I know that politicians will do anything for my vote, that's what they try to do.

5. Movies made by the Zuckers after they made the Naked Gun series. Some people know what I'm talking about here. Ever see a movie called "Disaster Movie", "Epic Movie", "Date Movie"? I hope not. If you have or ever thought of a good thing to say about it, you have no credibility whatsoever. The Zuckers have gone for broke and tried to make every movie with every no-talent actor about every other movie made in Hollywood. I don't know why they do this. But it's no wonder why IMDB's Bottom 10 of the Bottom 100 have been made in the last 6 years. Dear Zuckers, stop making movies and stop doing drugs and retire already.

4. Remakes and Sequels that didn't need to be remade or sequeled. I'm sure at the top of everyone's list is Indiana Jones 4, Baby Genius's 2, Garfield 2, Friday After Next, Are We Done Yet?, etc. This a category that's a bit shaky because I have liked remakes better than originals. What Chris Nolan has done to the Batman series is phenomenal, but what Joel Schumacher did to it was horrendous. The Superman movies don't need to be remade. X-Men 3 was crap. Bill and Ted's Whatever adventure didn't need to be remade. American Pie: Whatever Number didn't need to made or thought of. I'm sure any pot head can come up with the idea that college is great for all the right reasons. I will add a subcategory to this: Movies with families that have 10+ kids in them. Seth Rogen was right: "12 kids that's not funny...That's not funny, that's sick...sick movie."-

3. Movies made by Steven Spielberg after the year 2000. Now Spielberg is probably one of the most successful directors of the 1980's and 90's. But for some reason he ran out of ALL ideas to pursue. I don't think that he'll make another worthy film before 2010. Although that doesn't leave a lot of time, there is still plenty of chances for him to make a career out of being that old director who makes a comeback.

2. Documentaries that aren't made by people who sold their house to make that documentary. Many people don't realize the implication of making a documentary. The purpose of a documentary is to not have the resources to project any argument you want (Michael Moore). Because Warner Brothers pays Michael Moore to make documentaries, he's not a real documentarian. He's just a puppet. His first documentary about GM was good. He had to take out two mortgages, and it took forever to make. That's the real meaning of a documentary; not getting a whole bunch of money and making any propaganda you want.

1. Movies that you can't see for free. I'm a movie lover. I'm also a pirate, but only a very small part of me is a pirate. I understand that there are some movies that I will pay to see, and some movies I will pay lots of money to see. Hulu.com is a great website. There are plenty of movies that just look awful, but they are for free.


With this wisdom, I leave you hoping that you'll be able to make a better choice of movies in the future. I hope that someone in Hollywood picks up on the fact that no one likes crappy movies, so stop making them.

"Ference wants more! He wants to rip that guy limb from limb and who wouldn't wanna see that?!" - Jack Edwards

It's been a while since I've posted on this thing, and I thank that in large part to the fact that nothing has really pissed me off/inspired me to post. Well, fortunately for all 3 of our readers, something inspired me Saturday night: Steve Ott, The Dallas Stars, and the Boston Bruins. Steve Ott you ask? Who the hell is Steve Ott? I consider myself a pretty knowledgeable hockey fan, and up until Saturday I'd like to tell myself I've heard of the guy. But to be honest, I'm not quite sure. Steve Ott is a wannabe Sean Avery, a guy who can get under the opponent's skin and a guy who you love to have on your team. Sean Avery has established himself as THE NHL pest. Steve Ott, on Saturday night, established himself as the bickering girl on the playground.

On more than one occasion Saturday night, Steve Ott took a run at a Bruins player, trying to get under their collective skin. No call. Play goes on. Early in the second period, Ott came across ice, squared up Stephane Yelle, and ducked under him and went directly for his knees on a very questionable check. Shawn Thornton immedietly challenged Ott, who didn't drop his gloves or his stick (in fact, his stick was the only thing in between his fragile life and Shawn Thornton's fists of fury). As the game progressed, the Bruins started to challenge Ott, but no go. Another hit comes to mind when Ott came guns a-blazin' into the offensive zone. There is a difference between hustle and determination and coming in to kill a man where he stands. Ott came in, left his skates, and pummeled Bruins defenseman Mark Stuart. Shane Hnidy wanted to drop the gloves with Ott, but he'd have none of it. He complained to the ref for an instigator and tried to skate away. There's nothing worse than a man who goes out there specifically to cause trouble, to act like a lone ranger, and not back it up. He was challenged to fight, and backed away. At least Sean Avery backs it up.

The turning point came in the third period, when Ott came up the middle of the ice. Ott received a poor pass, had his head down for a split second, and was absolutely steam rolled by Andrew Ference. Andrew Ference, not known for his "lumber laying" ability, came from his blue line across the ice to where Steve Ott gleefully glided along the ice. He picked up momentum and he closed in on Ott, and laid one of the most beautiful open ice hits I've ever seen. With Ott's head down for a millisecond, Ference laid his shoulder right square into Ott, sending him flying into the air. It seemed like Ott was in the air for 10 seconds, and for all I know he could have been. By the time Ott had hit the ice, the remaining masculinity that he felt he possessed was stripped away from him. Not by Chara, not by Thornton, and most certainly not by Lucic. It was Andrew Ference, Mr. "Go Green or Go Home." Moments later, Ott got up, took a run at Petteri Nokelainen, who had his back turned, and got a charging penalty. Almost simultaneously, Sean Avery went after Ference, asked him to fight, and Ference obliged. Someone else doing Steve Ott's work, what else is new. Ference took on Avery, got a good right hook and a few quick left jabs in, and ultimately won the bout. After having to be torn off of Avery, Ference got up, acknowledged the crowd with a PJ Stock-esque wave, and did his 5 minutes of time (Mighty Ducks Reference: 5 minutes for fighting? WELL WORTH IT). We'll look back on this game, perhaps more specifically that hit, later on in the season and wonder if that could have been the turning point.

Andrew Ference: Humanitarian and Steve Ott Ruiner

It will take months to make the assessment, but I believe Saturday night's game was and will be the turning point for this Bruins team. Gone are the days of being stomped out like an annoying mosquito on home ice and gone are the days where it seemed the Bruins couldn't stick up for themselves in a backyard pick up hockey game gone sour. Welcome the days of the new Big Bad Bruins. Thornton, Lucic, and Chara headline the group. But guys like Ference, Ward, Hnidy and even Savard (who I gained so much respect for after he stood up for Lucic, more on that in a bit) who have carried their share.

One more quick thought on Marc Savard. For the record, I love this guy as a playmaker. To this day I still believe he is the most under-rated player in the NHL. Line him up with a proven sniper, this guy will get you 70-80 assists. But one thing I always questioned was his toughness. He never seemed to take the body, never seemed to absorb hard checks. If he went to the box, it'd be because of stick infractions, not for a roughing penalty or anything like that. Well, my opinion of him in that area all changed Saturday. Lucic was up against the boards getting fed the puck by his defenseman, when Sean Avery came up from behind him and caved him in. It was apparent that Avery saw his numbers, but that didn't stop him. Right after Avery caved in Lucic, Savard (out of all people) jumped on Avery and started landing right hook after right hook on his mug. A mini brawl ensued, which included Shane Hnidy beating the living bag out of a Star that wanted nothing to do with him. Marc Savard got the boot, and got my respect.