For example: Sports. Maybe it's just me, but the Rays and Phillies are in the World Series. I think that shows enough of a recession in America. Maybe there is a correlation between recession years and years of crappy World Series matchups. At least I'm getting a free taco out of it, Thank you and Fuck you Jason Bartlett. But perhaps a recession is happening because America's Favorite Quarterback, Tom Brady, is out for the season. As
is America's only good golfer, Tiger Woods, and Kansas's only hope, Larry Johnson(let's face it, all there is in Kansas is Football). Peyton Manning and Ladanian Tomlinson are underperforming, and Adam "Pacman" Jones is back in the spotlight for something stupid. (Really, Who the hell punches out a hotel security guard?)I didn't think I would say this, but I miss Michael Vick. Or maybe I'm in need for some real sports entertainment. At least we would have some kind of gnarly sneaker commercial where Vick jumps over Terrell Suggs to score a touchdown. But no, he's going to plead guilty to State Dogfighting Charges, and we might never see him again until ESPN The Magazine puts him in their Chicken Soup for the Football Soul section where they show us stories that we might care about if they return to a sport out of nowhere. Maybe as soon as this election is over, we will start to see ourselves through the looking glass again. Black will be black, up will be up, and perhaps America will return to its normal state. It's like we need to have medications for when election years come around. Or maybe it's just because we don't have an incumbent running and there is too much uncertainty. I don't know why so many people are freaking out so much, but I do know that I should be one of them and I'm not. I'm the one entering the job market in the next year. I'm the one who will walk out of college and walk into the workplace that will reflect the time that I am living in. Hopefully I'll be able to get a job when I do that walking and not have to pawn off my valuables to sustain living. I think I just started to freak out just then.
Backing up and returning to the calamity that is sports, what the hell has been happening? Why now? This and American Cinema is the last refuge we have. And Beverly Hills Chihuahua was grossing the top of the list?! We are definitely on tougher times when people don't even want to see good movies anymore. I mean, when my friends and I were at a bar watching the Kimbo Slice fight, you know, the one that was shorter than the average fart, what the hell was that? That was a hugely anticipated fight on television and it was 14 seconds long. Are you kidding?
This is why we need to back off some sports stars. If they want to fight dogs, have stripper parties on boats, shoot up nightclubs no one is attending, and do drugs, maybe we should sort of maybe let them do possibly one of those things. But because we punish our players like we want to punish our bankers right now, we've only hurt ourselves. We've killed the prize fighter in exchange for the good willed middleweight no-name guy.
There is only one way to solve this mess. Give the finger to Congress for interfering with sports and vote the ones who got involved out of office. There are more important things out there than Roger Clemens' barbeque's where he met Jose Canseco's drug dealer, more important things than Rafael Palmeiro's Viagra deal, and more important things than the drug habits of high school teenagers. Get over it Congress, you can't change the fact that doing drugs in high school is still seen as the cool thing. Perhaps you should be going after the people who will be constructing our food supply in the next 10 years, I'm sure that's a more prevalent topic than how small Canseco's balls really are. If people even knew what's going to be in their kids food from now on, according to scientists, you'd worry about that a lot more. But I'm going to guess that you won't address that topic until people start using Scope mouthwash and die from it because it contains a form of windshield washer fluid.So why do I get angry about this? Because there are things I care about and there are things I really don't give a shit about. So Jordan gambled a lot, he was still one of the best basketball players ever. I don't care about his personal life, I care about my own. If I'm brushing my teeth with stuff I don't want to be brushing them with, fix it. If my kids are playing with toys that will kill them, fix it. But if Congress wants to tell me that one of my heroes is a villain, don't tell me. Because it's heroes that do the fixing. Not Congress.
